First day, fainting and doctors - Oh My!

One of the goals I set out for myself was learning to buy better products and be smarter about grocery shopping. Monday night Hubby and I went shopping to restock our pantry with healthier options. I think we did pretty well I have to say. I'd always heard you should shop the perimeter of the store and that held pretty much true.  We picked up lots of veggie & fruits, chicken breasts, multi grain tortillas, hummus, and skinny cow caramel truffle bars (for a treat!). We planned out different dinners and what we would take for lunches. I basically know what I should and should not be eating. It's just putting it in practice that gets hard.

So I was ready for Tuesday! Light yogurt and a turkey/spinach wrap for breakfast, carrots and hummus for snack, veggie sub from Subway for lunch, fruit salad for afternoon snack, grilled pork chop, veggies and a small sweet potato for dinner. I was feeling great! Not even hungry. I had decided to take it one day at a time and not get discouraged by the daunting task in front of me. I crawled into bed with Hubs and could not get warm. Like freezing, shaking, teeth chattering cold. I put on two pairs of socks, warm sweatpants, tshirt and sweatshirt, crawled under three blankets and put a heating pad on my feet. Bunny (my nickname for my husband) is like a hotbox and was snuggling me and I STILL could not get warm. Eventually I dozed off and after about 1/2 hour I woke up in cold sweats, heavy breathing, bad nausea with it all culminating in that scary familiar feeling that I am going to pass out. Do you know the one? Your lips are tingly, hands shaking, tunnel vision and hearing fades away. Oh yeah. I had all that. I laid down on the floor and starting pulling off extra clothes as I was burning up now.  When this has happened before it's been my blood sugar so I asked Bunny to get me some juice or a cookie -(D'Oh! Just got rid of all that!) so he mixed a bit of real sugar into crystal light and brought it to me as well as some Teddy Grahams I didn't even know we had. I ate a couple, sipped the juice and it eventually helped.

Now today I've been nauseous all day and exhausted. I keep getting light headed and decided to try another pregnancy test. Big Fat Negative! I knew it would be but I had to check. So now I'm trying to find a new family doctor - tried calling two referrals from friends and both Drs were not accepting new patients. *Sigh* I hate dealing with doctors anyway. Being obese - it's got to be one of the most nerve-wracking and embarrasing situations for me. But I know something is going on with me and I need to get it checked. Bunny has an appt with a new family dr tonight. Maybe I'll see what he thought of him and give him a shot. I would prefer a female but I hate just picking someone out of the google pages. (Oh, remember when it used to be "picking someone out of the yellow pages?")

Anyways, I'm still committed to my goals. Today's been easy seeing as how I couldn't even get down a half of a yogurt...

Here We Go...

I'm tired. Exhausted in fact. I'm tired of feeling like it is impossible to make changes. I am tired of feeling like I'm standing at the bottom of an insurmountable hill and staring straight up, watching that incline rise so high I can't see the top. And I'm tired of giving myself excuses to not even try to climb it.

I was just married five months ago to a wonderful man who I waited a long time to come into my life. I never thought I'd find someone who loved me for me and accepted me just as I am. And now we are trying to start a family. I've wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember. And it is very discouraging that we just can't seem to make it happen. We started trying before we were married since I am just a few days shy of turning 31 as we speak. I didn't want to be any older before I had my first child as I'd ideally like to have two.  We became pregnant last July but had a miscarriage. Since then we've been trying - using every little trick I can find - and having no luck. I've quit smoking and cut way back on drinking but I've been refusing to look at a very big problem.

I'm a big girl. I've always been a big girl but lately I look in the mirror and I can not stand what I see. I need to take care of my health. I need to lose weight - and we're not talking 20 or 30 lbs - we're talking 100 lbs (and more wouldn't be a bad thing). And I don't want to do this by a fad diet. Or something I, personally, will not stick to. I want to learn to eat healthier (which shouldn't be as hard as it is seeing as how I love fruits and veggies and all that other healthy stuff), I want to get active (I sit at a desk 9 hours a day and sit on the couch when I get home until bed), and I want to smile when I look in the mirror not look away as quick as possible.

So, I've always loved to write. And I know, no one may read this - and that's ok. But I need to be held accountable to myself. I'm going to chronicle my weight loss endeavor as well as our trying to conceive endeavor here and I am going to hold myself accountable. I'm going to learn to grocery shop healthy (and budget friendly). I'm going to remind myself that getting pregnant is so small in the scheme of why I need to lose weight. I want to be involved with my kids, not just watch from the sidelines. And I want to be proud of myself for doing something sooo challenging.

Here we go...