Here We Go...

I'm tired. Exhausted in fact. I'm tired of feeling like it is impossible to make changes. I am tired of feeling like I'm standing at the bottom of an insurmountable hill and staring straight up, watching that incline rise so high I can't see the top. And I'm tired of giving myself excuses to not even try to climb it.

I was just married five months ago to a wonderful man who I waited a long time to come into my life. I never thought I'd find someone who loved me for me and accepted me just as I am. And now we are trying to start a family. I've wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember. And it is very discouraging that we just can't seem to make it happen. We started trying before we were married since I am just a few days shy of turning 31 as we speak. I didn't want to be any older before I had my first child as I'd ideally like to have two.  We became pregnant last July but had a miscarriage. Since then we've been trying - using every little trick I can find - and having no luck. I've quit smoking and cut way back on drinking but I've been refusing to look at a very big problem.

I'm a big girl. I've always been a big girl but lately I look in the mirror and I can not stand what I see. I need to take care of my health. I need to lose weight - and we're not talking 20 or 30 lbs - we're talking 100 lbs (and more wouldn't be a bad thing). And I don't want to do this by a fad diet. Or something I, personally, will not stick to. I want to learn to eat healthier (which shouldn't be as hard as it is seeing as how I love fruits and veggies and all that other healthy stuff), I want to get active (I sit at a desk 9 hours a day and sit on the couch when I get home until bed), and I want to smile when I look in the mirror not look away as quick as possible.

So, I've always loved to write. And I know, no one may read this - and that's ok. But I need to be held accountable to myself. I'm going to chronicle my weight loss endeavor as well as our trying to conceive endeavor here and I am going to hold myself accountable. I'm going to learn to grocery shop healthy (and budget friendly). I'm going to remind myself that getting pregnant is so small in the scheme of why I need to lose weight. I want to be involved with my kids, not just watch from the sidelines. And I want to be proud of myself for doing something sooo challenging.

Here we go...